MongoDB is like that toxic ex who seemed perfect at first but slowly destroys your will to live. The schema flexibility pitch sounds fucking amazing until you're debugging why the same query returns different field types depending on which user document you hit. "Flexibility" turned out to be MongoDB-speak for "your data is broken in ways you haven't discovered yet."
The Breaking Point: Why We Migrated
Our MongoDB saga started with the usual startup bullshit. "Just dump JSON into it!" the CTO said. "Schema flexibility!" the consultants promised. "Web scale!" they all fucking lied.
Transaction Hell Was Real: MongoDB's transactions are like a broken promise - they look committed until you actually need them to be. We burned three months debugging this nightmare race condition where users were double-spending credits. The write would return success, MongoDB would say "yep, totally saved that," then five seconds later it would be gone. Users were gaming our payment system because MongoDB's idea of consistency is "eventually, maybe, if the stars align."
PostgreSQL transactions either work or they don't. No middle ground. No "eventually consistent" horseshit.
The Great Replication Disaster of 2024: This one still keeps me up at night. During a routine network hiccup, our MongoDB replica set went completely insane. The primary decided to step down, but instead of promoting the most up-to-date secondary, it picked the one that was 6 hours behind. Half our users saw old data, half saw current data, and our support team spent the weekend manually reconciling billing records.
We lost 47,832 user sessions - I remember the exact number because I had to explain it to our CEO three fucking times. PostgreSQL's streaming replication has never pulled this shit on us. When it says data is replicated, it's actually replicated.
Query Performance Went to Hell: Those beautiful, flexible schemas turned into our worst nightmare. After 18 months of "just add fields when you need them," our user collection had 247 different document structures. Not variations - completely different schemas. Our user lookup queries went from 2ms to 3.5 seconds because MongoDB's indexing strategy apparently assumed we were storing toy data.
PostgreSQL's query planner is like having a smart friend optimize your SQL. MongoDB's indexing is like throwing darts blindfolded.
The Schema Conversion Nightmare
Converting from document chaos to actual structured data is like untangling Christmas lights while drunk in the dark. Here's what nobody warns you about:
Nested Document Explosion: That cute user document with embedded addresses, preferences, and payment methods? It explodes into 6 separate tables, each with foreign keys that want to murder each other. Every MongoDB dev thinks nesting is brilliant until they need to query "users in California with premium subscriptions and valid payment methods." Turns out normalization exists for a reason, and that reason is your sanity.
Array Hell: MongoDB arrays are Satan's data structure disguised as convenience. We spent three weeks arguing about whether to use PostgreSQL's native arrays (fast but cursed) or proper junction tables (slow but your DBA won't hate you). We went with junction tables. Our query complexity tripled, but now I can sleep at night knowing our data actually makes sense.
The ObjectId Apocalypse: Every single MongoDB ObjectId has to become something PostgreSQL can understand, and every foreign key relationship has to be rebuilt from scratch. I wrote a 734-line Python script just to maintain ID mappings during the migration. It crashed 17 times on our production data because mongoexport
has a timeout fetish for anything bigger than my laptop's test database.
Data Type Russian Roulette: MongoDB's "dynamic typing" means your age field might be an integer, a string, or a fucking array depending on which developer touched it last. Our migration script had 247 lines dedicated to just cleaning up data types. PostgreSQL's type system will violently reject this nonsense, which honestly saved us from ourselves.