Apple's iPhone 17 event is tomorrow, and the biggest news is what they won't announce: AI that actually works. Multiple reports confirm that the Siri overhaul is pushed to March 2026. That's 18 months after ChatGPT changed everything, and Apple is still stuck with a voice assistant that can't set two timers. Ask Siri to set two timers and watch it have an existential crisis.
Apple Intelligence Is Fucking Embarrassing
Let's be real about what Apple Intelligence actually does: autocorrect with marketing. While Google Assistant can book restaurant reservations and Claude can write code, Apple's AI can... organize your photos? Rewrite emails to sound "more professional"?
The rumored ultra-thin iPhone Air will be impressively thin, and iOS 26's Liquid Glass UI will look pretty, but none of that matters when your phone can't have a basic conversation.
Financial analysts know Apple's AI delays are crushing the stock. Even Baird analysts are basically saying "Apple's AI isn't ready" - which is Wall Street speak for "this is a disaster."
Pretty Hardware Can't Fix Stupid Software
Sure, the iPhone 17 will have impressive specs: 48MP cameras, ProMotion displays, better cooling. The hardware team is still crushing it. But here's the problem - consumers don't give a shit about millimeter thickness when their phone can't answer basic questions.
Google Pixel phones translate conversations in real-time. Samsung Galaxy AI can edit photos intelligently and summarize documents. Apple Intelligence can... make your text messages sound more polite? That's not AI, that's autocorrect with delusions of grandeur.
CNET already called it: most of Apple's WWDC 2024 AI promises were either delayed or shipped as embarrassing beta features. They literally pulled AI commercials because the features didn't work. That's not a bug - it's a pattern.
March 2026 Is a Fucking Eternity in AI
Eighteen more months for Siri to stop being garbage is insane. While Apple dicks around with on-device privacy theater, Google Assistant and ChatGPT are getting exponentially better every month. By March 2026, Apple's "revolutionary" Siri update will feel like bringing a Nokia 3310 to a smartphone fight.
The on-device excuse is bullshit too. Yes, privacy matters, but not when it means your $1,200 phone is dumber than a $200 Android. Google processes billions of queries and actually learns from them. Apple processes nothing and learns nothing, which is why Siri still can't handle "set two timers."
The Premium Price Problem
Here's Apple's real problem: they want iPhone 17 Pro money for iPhone 4 AI capabilities. Consumers paying $1,200+ expect their phone to be smarter than a toaster. When your "premium" device can't answer follow-up questions, people notice.
Samsung's Galaxy AI isn't perfect, but at least it tries. Google's Pixel phones ship with AI features that actually work. Apple ships beautiful hardware with software that feels like it's from 2015.
Tomorrow's Event Will Be Peak Apple Bullshit
Expect Tim Cook to spend 45 minutes talking about camera bumps and titanium finishes while glossing over the AI elephant in the room. They'll show off Apple Watch Ultra 3 and AirPods Pro 3 features that should have shipped two years ago.
The real test won't be the event - it'll be March 2026 when we find out if Apple's AI delay was strategic patience or competitive suicide. Based on current evidence, Apple's gonna get their ass kicked.
What Competition Looks Like While Apple Fidgets
While Apple spends 18 months "perfecting" Siri, here's what actual working AI looks like:
Google Pixel: Live translate conversations in 40+ languages, Magic Eraser removes objects from photos intelligently, Call Screen answers spam calls with AI that actually understands context.
Samsung Galaxy: Circle to Search finds anything on your screen, Note Assist summarizes meetings and transcribes voice notes, Photo Assist fixes lighting and removes backgrounds without cloud processing.
OpenAI ChatGPT: Voice mode that handles interruptions, context switching, and follow-up questions. The kind of conversational AI Apple promised but can't deliver.
That's the competition Apple will face in March 2026 - except by then, those features will be two generations better while Siri finally learns to set two fucking timers.