Yesterday's White House tech dinner was broadcast on C-SPAN like some kind of corporate pledge drive with really expensive participants. Watching billionaires compete for who can suck up to Trump the hardest was... something. CNN and Reuters covered the theater extensively.
The Seating Chart Reveals Everything
The seating arrangement was basically a physical manifestation of who's desperate to stay on Trump's good side. Zuckerberg got the throne next to Trump - probably because Meta spent the most on lobbying last quarter. Bill Gates sat next to the First Lady, which is where you put the guy who called Trump an idiot in private emails but now needs government contracts.
Here's the greatest hits from the ass-kissing marathon:
- Tim Cook: Thanked Trump for "setting the tone" (translation: "please don't ban Chinese manufacturing") and promised $600 billion for US investment
- Zuckerberg: Pledged "$600 billion through '28" while probably having flashbacks to when Trump tried to ban TikTok and hurt his feelings
- Sergey Brin: Congratulated Trump on Venezuela policy because apparently random geopolitical praise helps with antitrust cases
- Safra Catz: Called this "the most exciting time in America ever" - Oracle's stock must be doing really well
The most telling part? Elon wasn't invited. Even Trump has limits on how much crazy he can handle at one dinner.
Investment Promises That Mean Nothing Until They Actually Happen
I've sat through enough bullshit corporate announcements to recognize this game. They're repackaging money they were already planning to spend and calling it 'new investment.' Classic move.
The supposed commitments:
- Apple: $600B for "domestic manufacturing" (probably iPhone assembly they were moving anyway)
- Meta: $50B for AI datacenters (Zuck was building these regardless of who won)
- Google: "Cloud infrastructure" (so vague it's meaningless)
- Microsoft: Azure expansion (again, this was happening anyway)
- Oracle: Database stuff (because Larry Ellison loves government contracts)
These numbers sound impressive until you realize Apple alone sits on $170 billion in cash and was going to spend this money somewhere regardless. It's like me promising to spend $50 on groceries this month - I was gonna do it anyway. Wall Street Journal analysts were already expecting this capex spending before any dinner happened.
"Competing with China" - The Magic Words
Every CEO threw around "China competition" like it's some kind of regulatory immunity spell. Brin talked about the "global race" for AI, which is corporate speak for "please don't regulate us because the Chinese might win."
This is the same argument big tech has used for every shitty practice: "If you make us follow privacy laws, China wins!" "If you break up our monopolies, China wins!" "If you make us pay taxes, China wins!"
It's basically the 2025 version of "think of the children" but for shareholders.
The Regulatory Shopping List
Satya Nadella thanked Trump for "helping American companies around the world" - which is MBA speak for "thanks for not enforcing antitrust laws internationally." These guys want:
- No GDPR enforcement in Europe
- Exemptions from data localization rules
- Antitrust cases to mysteriously disappear
- AI regulation written by their own lobbyists
- Government contracts worth billions
And they're willing to kiss Trump's ass on national television to get it.
Why Elon Got Left Out
Musk wasn't there, which is hilarious because his companies compete with literally everyone who was:
- xAI vs everyone's ChatGPT clones
- Tesla FSD vs Waymo (Google's robot cars)
- Neuralink vs Meta's brain chip fantasies
But the real reason Elon wasn't invited? He can't help himself from saying stupid shit on Twitter that would overshadow Trump's own stupid Twitter posts. There can be only one main character per administration.
What This Actually Means
This dinner wasn't about AI investment or China competition. It was about establishing who's willing to play ball with Trump's administration and who might cause problems.
The tech industry learned from 2016 that ignoring Trump doesn't work - he'll just ban your apps, impose tariffs on your hardware, or sic the FTC on you for sport. Better to show up with a checkbook and smile while he rambles about whatever.
The real winners? Lobbying firms who just got a roadmap for the next 4 years of corporate bootlicking. The real losers? Anyone who thought big tech might face actual accountability this time around.
At least the whole thing was on C-SPAN, so future historians will have high-quality footage of American capitalism bending the knee in 4K resolution.