Apple Made Phones Thinner Again and Somehow Convinced Everyone to Care

Apple's September 9th event just dropped, and they've done it again - made a phone so thin it'll bend in your back pocket like a fucking tortilla chip. The iPhone 17 Air clocks in at 5.5mm, which is impressive engineering until you realize you're trading battery life for the ability to slice cheese with your phone.

What You Actually Get (Hint: Less Than You'd Hope)

But here's the catch - this thing's battery life is going to be dogshit. Much smaller battery than the regular iPhone 17 because thin phones matter more than actually using your phone all day. Your iPhone 16 Plus lasts until bedtime? This one might make it to lunch if you're lucky. Apple's own battery testing shows the compromises, and previous thin iPhone models like the iPhone 6 had notorious durability issues.

Oh, and cameras? They dumped the multi-lens system for a single 48MP shooter. So you're paying premium prices for fewer features because Apple figured out how to charge more for less by calling it "elegant simplicity." That's marketing speak for "we made it worse but prettier."

The 6.6-inch display is still gorgeous though - ProMotion, Dynamic Island, all the visual tricks. Just don't expect it to stay on long enough to enjoy them.

The Rest of the Lineup (Actually Reasonable)

Meanwhile, the phones you'd actually want to use got better. The iPhone 17 Pro has a bigger battery than last year's model, which means you might actually make it through a full day of heavy use. The Pro Max keeps its massive battery and adds more cameras you'll actually use. Apple's A19 Bionic chip delivers better performance per watt, and iPhone 17 pricing leaks suggest the regular models might actually be reasonable.

The regular iPhone 17 and 17 Plus are the sensible middle ground - better Apple Intelligence without sacrificing basic functionality. All models run the A19 Bionic on 3nm, so everything's faster while using less power. You know, like how phones should evolve.

But Apple being Apple, they'll probably price the Air at $899 because "premium design." You're literally paying extra to get less phone. It's like ordering a smaller pizza and having them charge you more because the box is prettier. Apple's premium pricing strategy shows they always charge more for less when it looks premium, and consumer psychology research proves people equate thinness with quality.

The Pro models make sense. The Air is for people who value Instagram photos over actually using their phone.

While everyone freaked out about the paper-thin iPhone, Apple quietly announced upgrades to devices people actually use all day. The Apple Watch Series 11 drops alongside Ultra 3 and SE 3 models, and for once, these aren't just incremental upgrades with new colors.

Finally, Blood Pressure Monitoring That Might Work

The Series 11 might actually get blood pressure detection - Apple's been promising this shit since 2019. Blood pressure monitoring could finally arrive to compete with those annoying cuff monitors your doctor makes you use. Still comes in 42mm and 46mm sizes with 5G, and advanced health tracking features mean your existing bands won't become expensive paperweights.

The big win is extended battery life - finally addressing the "charge every fucking night" problem that's plagued Apple Watch since day one. Better battery performance could push it to two full days instead of the usual 18-hour "all-day" rating. Plus Apple Intelligence integration and new processor improvements mean Siri might actually understand what you're saying instead of setting timers when you ask for weather.

AirPods Pro 3: Actually Smaller Cases This Time

AirPods Pro 3 get smaller charging cases with better pairing, which means they might actually fit in your pocket without creating a weird bulge. The smaller case design removes the pairing button so you don't need to hold down buttons like you're defusing a bomb anymore.

The audio processing got an upgrade too - better Active Noise Cancellation and Adaptive Audio that doesn't sound like you're listening through a tin can. Spatial Audio improvements make the surround sound experience actually work properly. Still works with Lightning and MagSafe charging, so you don't need to buy new cables immediately.

The Ecosystem Lock-In Continues

Apple refreshing everything at once isn't about user convenience - it's about making sure you can't escape their ecosystem without replacing every device you own. Better handoff between devices and unified Apple Intelligence means everything works great together, and like shit with anything else.

They're timing this for back-to-school and holiday spending, because nothing says "start of semester" like dropping $3,000+ on Apple gear. All this drops by late September, which gives you about two weeks to decide if you want to be locked into Apple's walled garden for another 3-4 years.

The AI features are legitimately good, but they only work if you're all-in on Apple everything. That's not an accident.