Apple fanboys are calling this the "most significant product refresh since iPhone X," which is what they say literally every year. The "Awe Dropping" tagline sounds like it was brainstormed by the same geniuses who thought "Think Different" was grammatically acceptable.
iPhone 17 Air: Thinner and More Fragile
The iPhone 17 Air is reportedly 6.25mm thick compared to the 16 Pro's 8.25mm. Congratulations, Apple managed to shave off 2mm while probably making the phone bend easier and cost $200 more to repair when you inevitably drop it.
"Breakthrough engineering" is Apple-speak for "we figured out how to make the battery smaller and the phone more likely to break." The claims about not sacrificing battery life are particularly hilarious - every iPhone user knows that thinner phones mean hunting for chargers by 3 PM.
The 6.25mm thickness is a marketing gimmick that any thermal engineer could tell you is going to cause performance issues. Phones need thickness for heat dissipation - make them too thin and that A19 chip throttles harder than a Toyota Prius going uphill. But Apple's marketing department won't mention that the phone becomes a hand warmer during video calls.
The pricing strategy of slotting between iPhone 17 and 17 Pro means you'll pay more for a phone that's harder to hold and easier to snap in half. "Premium design at accessible price" translates to "we removed features and raised the price."
The Annual Product Parade
Apple's reportedly announcing up to 8 new products, because why sell one overpriced gadget when you can sell eight:
Apple Watch Ultra 3 promises "enhanced durability" (until you discover what a $500 repair costs) and glucose monitoring that probably requires a monthly subscription to actually work.
Apple Watch Series 11 might finally get a circular design after years of rumors, because nothing says innovation like copying every other smartwatch from 2015.
AirPods Pro 3 will have "advanced spatial audio," which is Apple's term for making music sound slightly different while charging you $50 more.
Apple Discovers AI (Five Years Late)
Apple's finally admitting AI exists with "deeply integrated AI features" in iOS 26. Translation: Siri might actually work occasionally, and your photos will be organized by an algorithm that thinks your dog is a sandwich.
The "custom silicon advantages" marketing speaks to Apple's eternal promise that their chips make everything better, conveniently ignoring that ChatGPT runs fine on any modern processor and doesn't require a $1,200 phone to be useful.