Apple's iPhone 17 Marketing Circus Kicks Off September 9 - Time for the Annual "Revolutionary" Bullshit

Apple's pulling the same shit again with their "Awe Dropping" event on September 9. "Most significant iPhone redesign since the iPhone X" - that's literally what they said about the iPhone 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16. At this point I'm convinced they have a template: "Most [adjective] iPhone [action] since iPhone [previous model]."

The event's at Steve Jobs Theater because of course it is - gotta milk that founder mystique while charging $1400 for last year's Android features.

iPhone 17 Air: Because We Needed Another Bendgate

The iPhone 17 Air is 5.5mm thick. That's thinner than my patience with Apple's design decisions. Remember the iPhone 6 bending in people's pockets? This one's gonna fold like a deck chair.

Here's what they're cramming into this anorexic phone:

• 5.5mm body - good luck keeping this straight in your jeans
• 6.6-inch display - because we need bigger screens in thinner bodies, physics be damned
• Single camera - they finally admitted nobody uses the macro lens
• "Advanced battery" - marketing speak for "same battery life, more expensive manufacturing"

Apple's "design philosophy" is removing shit until it breaks, then calling it courage. Remember when they killed the headphone jack "for thinness" then made the phone thicker the next year? The iFixit repair scores are gonna be hilarious - probably a 1/10 because you'll need a particle accelerator to open this thing.

iPhone 17 Pro: Fixing Last Year's Fuckups and Calling It Innovation

The Pro models get the usual incremental updates - faster chip, better cameras, and hopefully they fixed the overheating that made the iPhone 15 Pro burn hotter than my laptop under load.

The A19 Pro chip is built on TSMC's 3nm process, which should run cooler. Good, because the iPhone 15 Pro overheated during 4K recording and turned into a hand warmer playing games. I had one throttle so hard during a Zoom call it was basically unusable.

Apple's gonna present "improved thermal management" as a breakthrough feature when really they're just fixing the shit they broke last year. It's like congratulating yourself for not setting the house on fire twice.

iOS 26: More UI Changes Nobody Asked For

iOS 26 drops September 15 with Apple's usual pattern of releasing software right after hardware. This time we get "Liquid Glass" interface elements - because apparently we needed more visual clutter and more Apple Intelligence AI bullshit that mostly doesn't work.

They're keeping iPhone 11 support which is cool, but let's be real - half the new features won't work on older devices anyway. The beta "improved battery management" claims are hilarious - iOS updates traditionally murder battery life for at least 3 months until they patch the obvious bugs.

Apple's dropping the iPhone 17 just as Android phones are getting weirdly good at AI stuff and everyone's suddenly obsessed with folding their phones in half. The iPhone 17 Air is Apple's attempt to prove they can make phones thin again without completely fucking up the battery life.

Pre-Order and Availability Timeline

Pre-orders start Friday, September 12 at 5 AM Pacific - because nothing says "premium experience" like waking up at dawn to give Apple your money. Apple usually lets you window-shop your dream configuration the night before, which is basically digital torture for your wallet.

Apple's got their supply chain figured out this time, hopefully avoiding the iPhone 16 Pro clusterfuck where people waited months for delivery.

Beyond iPhones: Complete Hardware Refresh

The September 9 event is expected to showcase up to 8 new products, including:

• Apple Watch Ultra 3 with enhanced health monitoring capabilities
• AirPods Pro 3 featuring improved noise cancellation and spatial audio
• Refreshed iPad models with M4 chip integration
• New Apple TV hardware supporting 8K video output

Industry Impact and Competition

The ultra-thin iPhone 17 Air directly challenges Samsung's Galaxy S25 Slim and Google's Pixel 10a, both rumored for early 2026 releases. Apple's ability to maintain performance and battery life in a 5.5mm form factor could establish new industry benchmarks for smartphone design.

Apparently a third of iPhone users are planning to upgrade within six months, which if true represents Apple's highest upgrade intent since the iPhone 12 in 2020. Whether people actually follow through is another story - we've heard this "unprecedented consumer interest" bullshit before.