These 4 Databases All Claim They Don't Suck

Every fucking year. Another batch of "PostgreSQL killers" shows up promising to solve problems we've had since 2010. Usually it's garbage.

2025 was different. Our Node.js checkout API kept throwing Error: Connection terminated unexpectedly during every flash sale. Connection pools maxed out at 20 connections, users got timeouts, we lost money.

So I tested Turso, Neon, PlanetScale, and Xata. Two actually fixed our connection hell. Two made everything worse.

What Changed This Year (Besides More Venture Funding)

Database companies finally stopped pretending connection limits aren't cancer. About fucking time. Each one has a different solution:

• Turso: SQLite replicas baked into your app server (embedded replicas for multi-tenant apps mid-2025)
• Neon: PostgreSQL that goes to sleep when you're not using it (new $5/month minimum in August 2025)
• PlanetScale: MySQL with git-style branches ($39/month after they axed the free tier in March 2024)
• Xata: PostgreSQL with AI crap bolted on (pay-as-you-go starting at basically nothing)

What Actually Happened When I Tested These

Vendor benchmarks are horseshit. I ran our Stripe checkout API (Node.js 18.17.0, Prisma 5.2.0) on all four platforms for 3 months. Real traffic, real money on the line.

Turso: Fastest reads I've ever seen (sub-50ms globally) but setting up embedded replicas made me want to quit engineering. Took a whole weekend plus 3 Stack Overflow threads and a Discord argument with their CTO.

Neon: Worked perfectly until we got users in Singapore. They started complaining about 800ms checkout times. "Why is your website broken?" - actual customer support ticket. Added a read replica, problem solved, wallet $50 lighter per month.

PlanetScale: Solid 150ms everywhere but Jesus Christ the bill. Started at $39, hit $180 by month 2. I had literal nightmares about explaining this to finance. "We're paying HOW MUCH for a database?"

Xata: AI features looked cool in demos until I realized vector search was adding 300ms to every product page load. Users noticed immediately and our bounce rate doubled.

The Shit Nobody Mentions in Blog Posts

• Turso's "32 edge locations" was pure marketing bullshit (they killed it Q2 2025)
• Neon's new $5 minimum actually makes sense for dev work (50 compute hours free)
• PlanetScale branch management will bankrupt your side project
• Xata's search beats Elasticsearch for setup time (5 min vs 5 days) but loses on everything else

Just pick whichever flavor of database hell you can tolerate. SQLite write limits, MySQL migration pain, or PostgreSQL connection garbage. They all suck in different ways, but at least now you know which ones will suck your bank account dry first.

Migrated our Express.js e-commerce API (handling ~50k orders/month) to each platform. Lost money, lost sleep, learned to hate database marketing teams.

Here's what broke in production, what saved my ass, and what made me question my career choices.

Turso: SQLite That Somehow Doesn't Suck Globally

Turso killed their edge replica bullshit mid-2025, so I had to learn their new embedded replicas thing. Took me 3 days and 47 GitHub issues to get it working.

What Actually Works:

• HTTP API means zero connection pool hell (finally!)
• Embedded SQLite replicas = 40ms reads from your app server's local filesystem
• No cold starts because SQLite file is just sitting there
• libSQL syncs automatically (when it works)

What Breaks Everything:

• SQLite = zero concurrent writes. Our admin dashboard became unusable (database is locked every 5 seconds)
• Embedded replica setup requires rebuilding your entire deployment pipeline
• $0.20 per active database adds up fast (we hit $80/month just for tenants)
• SQLite limitations: no stored procedures, JSON functions that barely work

Real Performance: Customer checkout went from 300ms to 50ms globally. But our admin panel became so slow that customer service couldn't update orders. Ended up with two databases anyway.

Neon: PostgreSQL With a Sleep Problem

Neon's August 2025 pricing update ($5/month minimum) actually made sense for once. But production taught me why "serverless PostgreSQL" is still an oxymoron.

What Doesn't Embarrass You:

• PostgreSQL compatibility means your Prisma schemas just work
• Scale-to-zero saves money on staging branches (50 compute hours free)
• Database branching is actually useful for testing migrations
• Read replicas help when your app gets popular

What Ruins Your Day:

• Cold starts make every demo awkward (Error: connection timeout after 30000ms)
• Connection limits (100-500) will murder your app during traffic spikes
• Single-region writes = 800ms checkout from Singapore (users complained immediately)
• Compute hours add up fast (our app went from $5 to $180/month in 6 weeks)

Real Performance: Perfect for US customers. European users started leaving angry reviews about slow checkout until we paid $50/month for a read replica. Black Friday killed our connection pool and took the site down for 20 minutes.

PlanetScale: MySQL for People Who Hate Money

PlanetScale killed their free tier in March 2024 because fuck you, that's why. Now it's $39/month minimum. Performance is solid, but your accountant will hate you.

What Actually Works:

• Vitess scales to YouTube levels (if you can afford it)
• Schema branching is genuinely brilliant for teams that don't break things
• Performance is rock solid in their 12 supported regions
• Connection multiplexing means you won't hit connection limits

What Destroys Your Budget:

• MySQL breaks PostgreSQL-specific Prisma features (spent 2 weeks rewriting JSON queries)
• Branch hours pile up ($15-30 per preview deployment, adds up fast)
• Only 12 regions worldwide (sorry, rest of the world)
• Migration from PostgreSQL = 2 weeks of hell rewriting array operations

Real Performance: Solid 150ms everywhere they exist. But the bill went from $39 to $180/month real quick. Every feature branch costs money, every preview deployment costs money. Schema migrations are brilliant when they work.

Xata: PostgreSQL With AI Nonsense

Xata's AI features looked cool in demos until I realized they were adding 300ms to every query. Their search beats setting up Elasticsearch, but everything else is questionable.

What Doesn't Suck:

• PostgreSQL compatibility with zero configuration
• Built-in search saves you from Elasticsearch hell (5 min setup vs 5 days)
• Vector embeddings work out of the box (when you need them)
• Database branching for testing features

What Makes You Regret Everything:

• AI overhead adds 200-400ms to every goddamn query
• Vector search becomes unusable above 100k records
• Pay-per-compute pricing is impossible to predict (surprise bills!)
• Newest platform = zero Stack Overflow answers when shit breaks

Real Performance: Search worked great for our 10k product catalog. But the AI overhead made our real-time chat unusable (users complained about 2-second delays). Moved chat back to vanilla PostgreSQL on DigitalOcean.

The Truth Nobody Wants to Admit

None of these are magic PostgreSQL replacements. Each one will force you to rebuild parts of your app:

• Turso: Rewrite everything for SQLite limitations and embedded replicas
• Neon: Code around cold starts and connection pool failures
• PlanetScale: Spend weeks migrating PostgreSQL queries to MySQL
• Xata: Accept AI latency or ignore the features you're paying for

Pick whichever flavor of pain you can tolerate. Don't pick based on marketing blogs written by people who've never deployed anything to production.