Apple's September 9 event is dropping seven new products at once, which means they're about to make your current gear look embarrassingly outdated. The event starts at 10:00 AM Pacific from Cupertino, where Tim Cook will smile while explaining why your perfectly functional iPhone from last year is now basically a flip phone.
iPhone 17 Air: Thin Enough to Slice Cheese, Thick Enough to Drain Your Savings
Rumors suggest the iPhone 17 Air will be around 5.5mm thick, which sounds impressive until you realize it'll probably die by lunch. Apple's obsession with thinness continues - they keep making phones so skinny they might disappear if you turn them sideways. The iPhone 6 was 6.9mm and people complained about "bendgate," so good luck with this wafer.
Word is it's slightly smaller than the iPhone 16 Plus but way thinner, which means obvious compromises: probably a single camera lens and battery life that'll have you hunting for chargers like a vampire seeking blood. The tradeoff for looking cool is actually being able to use your phone.
Expected pricing is around $200+ more than the Plus models it replaces. Apple's pricing strategy is basically "how much can we charge before people revolt?" Apparently they think we'll pay an extra couple hundred bucks to shave off 1.4mm of thickness.
The Whole iPhone 17 Family: Ready to Empty Your Wallet
And of course, they're not stopping at just one overpriced phone. Apple's dropping iPhone 17, iPhone 17 Pro, and iPhone 17 Pro Max because why sell you one phone when they can tempt you with four? The Pro models reportedly get upgraded cameras and brighter screens so you can see exactly how much money you're about to spend.
Pro models are likely getting price bumps too, because Apple looked at inflation and said "hold my beer." If the rumors are right, preorders start Friday so you can immediately regret your financial decisions, with delivery around mid-September - just in time to realize your iPhone 16 was actually fine.
Apple Watch Update Bonanza: Now They Can Guilt You About Three Different Price Points
Apple's updating all Watch models at once: Series 11, Ultra 3, and SE 3. Translation: they want to make sure there's an Apple Watch for every budget from "broke college student" to "I have too much money and questionable priorities."
The Ultra 3 gets satellite connectivity for emergencies, which is actually useful if you're the type who goes hiking in places without cell towers. Or it'll just be another way for your watch to remind you that you haven't closed your rings while you're trying not to die on a mountain.
AirPods Pro 3: Because Your Earbuds Weren't Judging Your Health Yet
Finally, after three years, AirPods Pro 3 get health sensors including heart rate monitoring. Now your earbuds can also shame you about your cardiovascular fitness while you listen to true crime podcasts instead of working out. Apple's really committed to making every piece of tech on your body a health narc.
"Liquid Glass" Design: Marketing Names for Translucent UI Elements
Apple's rolling out Liquid Glass design language, which sounds fancy but probably means "we made things slightly more see-through." It's inspired by Vision Pro, which makes sense since they need to justify that $3,500 headset somehow. Think iOS 7's flat design refresh but with more transparency effects that'll murder your battery life.
They're also announcing release dates for iOS 26, iPadOS 26, macOS Tahoe, tvOS 26, visionOS 26, and watchOS 26. That's a lot of version numbers to make you feel like your current devices are ancient relics from the stone age of 2024.
The Real Strategy: See How Much They Can Charge
This isn't about "responding to competition" - it's about seeing how much Apple can charge before customers revolt. The iPhone 17 Air is their experiment in extreme pricing for minimal actual innovation. Same with cramming health sensors into everything - they're betting you'll pay extra to have your earbuds monitor your vital signs.
Apple's playing their greatest hits: make everything thinner, add health monitoring, bump prices, and call it innovation. It works because we all know we'll end up buying this stuff anyway, complaining about the cost while standing in line at the Apple Store.